It’s going to be a great new year
It’s that time of year when any newspaper columnist worth his weight in obscure fonts regales readers with a recap of the past year’s events.
Do we really need to know what happened? We were there. We know what happened. Once again, as a service to the readers of this newspaper, I will stray from tradition and, rather than tell you what you already know, give insight as to what you can expect in the coming months. As you might remember, I actually almost got one of my predictions correct last year.
If only Donald Trump had shaved his head and accepted a job as chair-lift operator at Sugarbush. Anyway, without further ado, I present to you my predictions for 2013.
Vermont lawmakers will designate the town of Vernon, home of the Vermont Yankee nuclear power plant, the official nightlight of the state.
Research performed by a group that does entirely too much research will determine that pure Vermont maple syrup can be very sticky when spilled.
In an effort to generate revenue, Vermont will sell the city of Burlington to New York for an undisclosed amount of cash, the Statue of Liberty and the Buffalo Bills.
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie will come to visit Vermont and study the continuing Tropical Storm Irene recovery efforts. During his visit a new mountain will be discovered in the state.
Vermonters’ enthusiasm for the long-awaited return of snowfall will begin to wane as the white stuff falls right through the summer months and into the winter of 2014. Conservative pundits will hail this as proof there is no such thing as global warming.
A statewide survey will determine that nine out of seven Vermont adults have difficulty with basic mathematics concepts.
Scientists will determine that for some inexplicable reason wearing blaze orange causes a person to ignore personal hygiene and have a heightened thirst for malt beverages. These findings will have no effect whatsoever on deer hunters around the state.
Lake Monster mascot Champ will be caught on surveillance cameras holding up several convenience stores in the Burlington area. When apprehended, the mascot will confess and state he was trying to raise money for much needed improvements to Centennial Field.
Government scholars will determine that due to a technicality, Senate President Pro Tem Patrick Leahy is not third in line for the presidency, but should actually be the president. In an acknowledgement of this finding, Barack Obama will give Leahy his VIP parking pass and a souvenir Oval Office pen.
A merger between IBM and Ben and Jerry’s will fail after weak sales of Mint Micro Chip and Toffee Semi-Conductor Crunch put the mega-company in the red.
In an effort to speed up the legislative session, parking meters will be installed at each of the lawmakers’ seats in the legislative chambers. The session will end in a record four days.
Mountaineers’ mascot Skip will leave the team and travel south to replace retiring celebrity Punxsutawney Phil, where he will be promised national attention for one day of work a year.
A farmer in St. Johnsbury will discover that one of his cows actually has spots on its side shaped like pigs. The Vermont State Police will remove decals from their cruisers and replace them with a state seal that reflects this phenomenon.
Worries about the health benefits of “smart meters” will prompt some Vermont residents to raise safety concerns about using their television remotes. To quell their anxieties, Gov. Peter Shumlin will pass emergency legislation allowing viewers to stop watching television.
An out-of-state developer will buy several struggling dairy farms, build racetracks, and introduce Holstein racing to Vermont.
Workers restoring the Statehouse dome will discover that the statue long thought to be of Ceres the Goddess of Agriculture is actually Britney Spears the Goddess of Pop Music. Plans will be made to rectify the situation.
Columnist Mark Albury will learn that once again he is 0-17 in yearly predictions.
Mark S. Albury lives in Northfield Falls.