What with Christmas right around the corner, it must be time for the latest Camp Swampy Catalog. This year, we have some real winners for the discriminating (if not always legal) hunter out there.
The Ultimate Game Camera
Are you tired of heading out to check your trail camera, only to find some dirt-bag has made off with it? Well, fret not, my friend. We have the ultimate solution: a game camera that blows up (just a little; we aren’t crazy here, you know) when some outlaw goes to unstrap the device. Yes, the next time you venture out to check that camera, you might find a little blood and a damaged camera but, boy, did that guy get the surprise of his life. We are still checking on this one with our legal department, but we’ll worry about that later on.
By the way, be very careful about how you, the owner, recover your camera. Remember to twist the strap counter-clockwise or, wow, you could be at the wrong end of things. Price: $225.
Remember last muzzleloader season, when you missed that first shot at a buck at 40 yards. Boy, did you wish you could take that second, quick shot but couldn’t, you know, because you have to re-load that one-shot gun and it takes, like, forever.
Well, your worries are over, Bubba. Our new muzzleloader looks and feels like a muzzleloader when, actually, it is a repeating rifle. Yes, we know. There is a very distinct difference between the sound a muzzleloader makes when fired and the crack of a high-powered rifle. But our somewhat talented engineers in our garage shop have managed to build the softer sound of a muzzleloader right into the big gun. Nobody will know except anyone who happens to be hunting nearby. If a curious hunter happens to pass by while you’re gutting out that buck, just tell him you had the whole family there, firing at the buck, one muzzleloader shot at a time. They’ll believe that, right? Price $850.
Call of doodie box seat
You’re seated in that tree stand and, you know, you get that crampy feeling. And when it’s time, it’s time. So, are you going to climb down, make all kinds of noise, stink things up and hope Mr. Buck didn’t take any of that all in? You’re dreaming, OK?
Hey, do not fret. We are introducing our pine-scented box seat, heated by the way, with a slide-in lid to cover up the evidence. Just slide the lid open and voila, the rest is up to you. Don’t forget to close the lid. Price: $199.
I wasn’t in that tree stand for 15 minutes a few weeks back and I found myself drifting off to la-la land. Poker, too much Coke (the soda, you Bozo) and not getting back home until after midnight is a bad combination for a guy who gets up at 4:30 a.m. to hunt deer. It’s a good thing I was strapped in with my Camp Swampy safety harness ($99) or I would have taken a nasty fall.
This wasn’t a first for me, so we went back to the drawing board and came up with a sweet solution: An electric shock system built right into our safety harness. It’s not a big jolt, but it’s big enough to keep you alert. And get this: you can turn up the voltage for a gentle or a not-so-gentle shock. The system is triggered by how much you bend at the waist, so be very careful when you lean over to take that shot at a deer. Price: $149.
Be gone, intruder
It’s opening day of the rifle season. I hear the disturbance of leaves behind me, closing in. Holding my breath, heartbeat up, I wait for the big Vermont buck to show itself, only to find yet another hunter pushing, with much noise, through my woods. This is the third hunter who’s passed by me this morning and, frankly, I’m sick of it.
What we have come up with is the all-over-the-place, six speaker, Be Gone, Intruder alarm system. Just set up the six speakers strategically around your tree stand, grab the remote and keep your eyes peeled. When you spot another hunter, hit the “start” button and, voila, intruder will be gone. We have rigged up a variety of sounds, including a nasty witch cackle, a werewolf howl that will curdle your blood and a voice, reminiscent of Boris Karloff, that says, chillingly: “Turn around. You are not welcome here.” (Oh, not old enough to remember who Karloff was? Look it up, “you filthy animal.”) Sorry, could not avoid at least one reference to “Home Alone.”
Sure, the device might scare off any nearby deer, but it probably won’t matter. With the way our buck season went this past November, we could have had the speakers on, non-stop, and it wouldn’t have made a difference. Price (on sale): $299.
These items and much more (or less) can be yours by contacting us at: Camp Swampy Catalog, Box 007, Felonius, NY 90210.
Contact Dennis Jensen at firstname.lastname@example.org.