I’m in a cynical kind of mood. My disposition results from thinking about how lazy we have become as a society.
I recently read a blog written by a woman in Burlington who rated various meal kit delivery services available in Vermont. Apparently, if you are tired of the effort of dealing with people at a grocery store, coupled with the monumental task of thinking of what food to buy each week, there is a solution. All you have to do is shell out your hard-earned cash in exchange for a week’s worth of pre-packaged meals, broken down into individual ingredients with easy to follow recipes delivered to your front door. The ad for one of the services tells potential customers, “No shopping. No planning. Skip the line at the grocery store! No more stress trying to figure out what to have for dinner each night!” That’s right. Someone can think and do the work for you. Disclaimer to the truly lazy: the food does not come pre-chewed. You are responsible for handling this arduous task on your own.
The blog illustrates the fact that, for a price, you can get someone to do anything you want for you.
For example, unless you aspire to have a career in politics, there is no reason to become proficient at spreading alternate truths. Lying can be such a time-suck. There is the stress and energy spent coming up with a believable story. Then, once the lie is delivered, you have to deal with the sweating, averted eyes and mounting fear that your tale might fall apart under scrutiny. Now, you can pay someone to take the hard work and anxiety out of lying.
Thanks to the company, Alibi Supply, you have the ability to break out your wallet and tell as many worry-free lies as you care to tell. For a nominal $59 monthly fee, Alibi Supply gives you a package that includes one fictitious white lie or alibi, one dedicated phone number in the city of your choice, one dedicated email address for the fictitious person created and a male or female verifier. You just tell the lie they script for you and offer the provided resources to verify your story. It doesn’t get any easier than this. You can have all of the fun of Pinocchio without dealing with a telescopic proboscis.
Once you’ve shelled out enough currency to have someone do your grocery shopping and someone else tell your lies for you, you are going to wonder how your life could possibly be better. And then you’ll realize the only thing missing from this dream scenario would be to spend your newfound free time doing some quality snuggling with another human being. Unfortunately, the prerequisite relationships can be so messy, and approaching someone on the street and trying to snuggle could cause safety and legal problems. Go back and grab that credit card, because I’m going to tell you where to get all the platonic human contact your plastic can buy.
For a mere $60 an hour, you can hire an adult Snuggle Buddies representative to come to your house and cuddle with you. The company’s website states: “As a professional cuddling service, we are masters of platonic touch that offers a personalized experience. Whether you want to cuddle for friendship, relaxation or therapeutic reasons, we would be happy to be your snuggle partner.” The company doesn’t mention it, but I assume you get to choose your preferences with a snuggler (doesn’t snore or drool on the pillow, has warm feet, etc.).
With the long Vermont winters in mind, there is a certain appeal to this service. However, $60 an hour seems a little steep. This time of year in the Green Mountain State, you can go into the woods and find a lethargic bear to cuddle with for free.
If you are all set in the areas of shopping, lying and snuggling, but have other things you wish you could pay someone to do for you, you can go to DoMyStuff.com and make it happen.
This company is an online community where people find assistants to complete their chores. The assistants on DoMyStuff.com are individuals and businesses located near you who compete by bidding to run your errands. The tasks you post can range from the mundane, such as mowing the lawn, to the extraordinary, such as arranging a fancy dinner. While I suspect there are certain things they won’t do for you (rob a bank, help you cheat on your tax return, bury a body), DoMyStuff.com encourages you to make requests.
“Don’t limit yourself. Post anything you need done, and get back to living your life,” the website states.
I just might give them a try. Flossing my teeth is getting to be such a hassle.
Mark Albury lives in Northfield Falls.