Here’s an explanation of the president’s Fourth of July speech that makes at least as much sense as his claim that a wet teleprompter caused him to say "Our Army manned the air, it rammed the ramparts, it took over the airports” during the Revolutionary War, which began in 1775:

In the early 1600s, just before the first British colonists arrived in North America, space aliens were considering colonizing the Earth if they ran out of room at home. They prepared for this by building landing fields along the east coast, for possible use a couple centuries later. (These aliens had lifespans like Methuselah, so this was like our planning ahead a couple decades.) Then, however, they did due diligence by using a time machine to see how the Earth would fare in the next 500 years or so. They were disappointed to discover that it would go all to hell in the 21st century because a hominid orange blob would ignore climate change. Consequently they abandoned their plans. Later, the colonial militias found that the landing fields were nice, broad, level places to hold musters and drills. So they occupied them regularly.

Herbert G. Ogden

Mt. Tabor

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